Rejecting Rejection with Rachel Wilson

Hello Writing Barn readers. This monday’s Rejecting Rejection post comes to us from YA author Rachel Wilson. Rejection is a re-occurring theme in everyone’s lives, whether it’s external, or self-inflicted. But when fear of rejection keeps you from even trying, it may be time to look in the mirror and realize it isn’t rejection that should scare you, but rather not allowing yourself a chance at success, that should.

Being Afraid of the Wrong Thing

by Rachel M. Wilson

For so long, I hung my heart on not having been rejected.

In almost every area of my life, I equated success with escaping negative attention. I loved positive attention, but I knew how to get that. I followed all the rules, and I colored within the lines. I stuck to games I believed I could win, and for the most part, I was really good at games.

In love, I only fell for guys who chose me first and who chose blatantly, aggressively. Subtle guys accused me of being oblivious. I wasn’t, but I needed to hear something obvious: “I like you blatantly, aggressively. I am leaning in to kiss you now.”

And I spent most of high school staring at the back of this one boy’s beautiful head with no idea how raw and blaring my affection for him was to anyone with eyes.

Many years later, I found myself sipping Tom Yum soup across the table from a shaggy man I kind of loved, hearing the hard truth that it was time to get my life in order. I was killing myself slowly with a mishmash of odd jobs that left me scattered and anxious and depleted. I had no writing schedule because I was so busy with all this stuff. My house was a wreck, and I felt like a failed adult.

This guy didn’t especially mind any of these issues—he had already proved he’d put up with a lot—but he minded that I minded … and that I wasn’t doing anything about it.

I had heard this before.

He was giving me an ultimatum. I was stuck, spinning my wheels, and I needed to take a next step, whatever that next step might be.

I had written a book about fear, and I was terrified to send it to agents. I was about to be rejected thanks to my fear of rejection.

At some point with that high school boy, the passive but constant rejection of being stuck in unrequited love grew worse than my fears. I wrote him a letter. I gave him a gift. He called me at home, told me secrets, said we would be friends. But I didn’t want his friendship, and eventually I asked him out. He accepted … then cancelled on the day. He continued to be kind. We didn’t make another date, but I still had hope. I told my best friend, “I just want to be rejected. I need to hear the words.”

So I pushed, and I got what I wanted. He rejected me. I let it go. And he wasn’t the last boy I asked on a date.

Staring into my Tom Yum, I considered my options. I wasn’t sure I and this shaggy man were right for each other (we weren’t), and I was far from sure I wanted my life to look like his (I didn’t), but I recognized truth when I heard it. I was so, so, so, so stuck. I felt like Sarah in The Labyrinth when she meets the Junk Lady and almost gets sucked in. Here was this guy reaching out a hand and saying, let me help you out of there.

So I took it. We went back to my place, and he sat by my side while I sent out queries to agents. I had the letter. I had a list. I’d just been … waiting.

Sarah was drowning in childhood toys. I had been drowning in “okay,” sinking into safeness. I was holding on, so tightly, to a not-so-bad-not-so-great state of affairs. Was it perfect? No. But I’d done some good things. I had some good stuff. I’d be okay.

In my debut novel Don’t Touch, Peter says to Caddie: “You don’t like feeling afraid, I know, and that’s normal, but have you thought maybe you’re afraid of the wrong thing? What if the way you are right now is what you need to be afraid of?”

As soon as I took one tiny action, the next tiny action didn’t feel so impossible anymore. An offer for representation came quickly and so did the sale. I’d been quietly rejecting myself, for a couple of years. Acceptance was waiting for me.

And yes, I’ve been rejected—a bunch—since then. But a rejection—that’s a release from spending your hope on the wrong person. It’s a chance to move forward—to the next name on the list or to the next manuscript.

Back in high school, the next guy I asked out said yes.

 

 

Rachel M. Wilson‘s DON’T TOUCH stems from a personal vendetta against anxiety and a love of all things theater. After studying acting at Northwestern, Rachel earned her MFA in Writing for Children & YA at VCFA. Originally from Birmingham, AL, she now lives in Chicago, IL, where she writes, acts, teaches, and spoils a dog named Remy Frankenstein. DON’T TOUCH, her debut novel, released September 2nd from HarperTeen.