Rejecting Rejection with Amy Rose Capetta

Today’s Rejecting Rejection is what this series is all about: examining where we tell ourselves no–sometimes before the world even has a chance–and being brave enough to remedy that. Our contributor, Amy Rose Capetta is fearless. She is fearless in her craft: taking on characters who face their fears whether their futures be hurtling through space, walking the past, or dancing across the stage. Not only is she a writer to watch. She is a writer to admire.

 

Terror Days

by Amy Rose Capetta

 

 

When I first heard about this Most Awesome Blog Series, I was so excited. I knew that I wanted to write about the kind of rejection that comes AFTER you have a book published.

Believe me, I had plenty of the BEFORE publishing rejection, which prompted me to attend the program for Children’s and YA Writing at VCFA. If you have any chance to study writing—whether it’s through a great mentor, a grad program, or just tons of focused reading and writing and great critique partners—I can’t recommend it enough.

But I’m not here to talk to you about school, or even getting a book out there.

I’m here to get super personal.

You’ve been warned.

After I finished writing my first two published novels, I went through a year where my brain aggressively rejected every single story idea that I came up with. I knew that I wanted to write Entangled and its sequel, Unmade. But I didn’t know what I wanted after that, other than to keep writing. I had worked for ten solid years toward a career doing just that, and I should have been wildly happy. And some days I was. But they were pretty much outnumbered by Terror Days.

So what was the problem? Part of it was expectation of what should come next. I didn’t have another sci-fi project lined up, but I figured that was okay. I know writers who sprinkle their books across different genres. It seemed challenging but possible. The thing that kept snagging my brain and clawing it back toward uncertainty was worse.

The first two books I wrote have a straight main character. The projects I kept coming up with after that? Besides being in a different genre, the main characters were queer. And I had a thousand worries attack me all at once. What if I made a mistake by not starting out with a queer MC? What if what felt natural to me (writing about straight and bi and gay protags) was confusing to everyone else? What if I should stick to one genre for a while—would that help? What if, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how furiously and lovingly I wrote, people thought that my new stories were too different, or wouldn’t find an audience? Would I lose the dream career I had JUST STARTED?

It was…a rough year.

A little background: I’m bisexual. When I was the age of most of my characters, I had obvious crushes on boys, and slightly less obvious crushes on girls. I had itfigured out by early in college, but was SO AFRAID to be called the girl who was experimenting, so I hardly talked to anyone about it until after I graduated. Similarly, I stopped telling all but my closest friends during the FIVE YEARS when I was in a relationship with a guy. Everyone else just sort of cocked their heads and acted like I’d said something that was either untrue or unnecessary—so I stopped saying it altogether.

Do you see a pattern here? I’ve never been confused or uncomfortable about my own sexuality. I have been happy and empowered and delighted and goddamn lucky. But problems kick in when it comes to putting this very real sexuality into a public space. Bisexuality is widely dismissed by people who don’t understand it or don’t even believe it exists.* The fears I had about my varied stories were not unrelated to the fears I had about telling people I was bi in the first place.

So I’ve been practicing bravery. Saying the words out loud again.** (Hi! I’m bi!) Writing the stories that speak to me loudest, with a wide and wonderful range of characters. Not assuming that people will reject things before I put them out into the world. And hoping that, if I write well enough and care with my whole heart, there will be readers who connect.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to revising my current work-in-progress. It’s a murder mystery set in the high-stakes New York theater world, with a love story between two girls and a fantasy twist.

I’m enjoying every word.***

 

*It does.

**I completely respect any person’s right NOT to talk about their sexuality in public forums, for any reason.

***Ha! I made you look down here again. But seriously, thank you for reading.

 

 

 

Amy Rose Capetta holds an MFA in Writing for Children and Young Adults from VCFA. She is the author of a YA sci-fi duet. Entangledis out now, and Unmade will release on January 13, both from HMH Kids. Entangled was a featured BEA Buzz Book for YA and received a star from Publisher’s Weekly.